When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
