You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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