If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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