Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
