it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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