Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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