why didn't you poke me back
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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