You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
