just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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