A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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