dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
