She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
