This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
