i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
