If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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