is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
