The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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