perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
