I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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