Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
