hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Reggie can tackle my bush.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
