your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize