I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
