I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
