I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
