Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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