We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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