Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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