Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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