I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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