Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
