i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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