my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
