When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
