After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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