When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
