The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
