a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize