Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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