I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
