I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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