Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How external is "for external use only"?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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