Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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