On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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