I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
