you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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