We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
