if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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