if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
