mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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