It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
