I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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