Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
