I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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