I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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