going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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