the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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