Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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