She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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