yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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